Quoth Vanguard- "What is a hero? Is it someone who does deeds for the self satisfaction? Is it someone who does deeds for the good of others? Might it be someone who does deeds for their own good? Or....is it someone who helps the weak simply because they are strong?" If yer bored and wanna read some quotes that may possibly have little or no meaning to you, 'more ~vanguard/.plan' and enjoy. Quoth the Irony- "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a 'disgrace', two useless men are called a 'law firm' and three or more useless men are collectively called a 'Congress'." Quoth the Quotes- "Warning: Reading the following can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war." -From the fortune program "As I peacefully lay on my bed, and look up at the stars, I wonder 'Where the FUCK is my roof!?!?'" -borrowed from gryphon "The lunatic, the lover, and the poet are of one imagination all compact..." -William Shakespeare "All this acting normal is driving me NUTS!" -Joe Amato "There are very few personal problems that can't be solved with automatic weapons." -Mike Beresis "Quid quid Latine dictum sit, altum viditur." -Unknown "God is real. Unless declared integer." -Anonymous "Everything is cool and froody." -Zaphod Beeblebrox "Push the button, Frank." -Dr. Clayton Forester "Where do these stairs go?" "They go up." -Ray Stanz and Peter Venkmen "Friends are enemies who don't have the guts to kill you." -Judy Tenuta "How rude!" -C-3PO "This is where you fall." -Johnny Cage "DO NOT attempt to put intestines or other potruding body organs back into the abdominal cavity." -Found in a first aid manual "Come, let me cure you of this disease called life." -Akumasa "You can't say you're cool unless you got a phone in your bathroom." -R Angelo Borelli "This guys got a girlfriend with no legs and we're comparing SAT scores!" -Anonymous 'Love Phones' caller "Doesn't everyone realize that apathy is the key to life?" -Lee Guthrie "Please don't laugh." -Derek Sykes "Holy ground, Highlander! Remember what Ramirez taught you." -Kurgen "Many years ago, there was an engineer who came up with the practical applications of complex mathematics. He was capable of essentially turning advanced problems in calculus into simple problems in algebra. Naturally, the mathematicians freaked out and branded him a heretic. He wound up dying penniless in jail. Today, because of that man's work, the engineers now rule the world. And where are the mathematicians?" -Professor Richard Vaz "Losers try their best. Winners get to fuck the prom queen." -John Mason "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad idea." -Douglas Adams "Sure, I believe in God. I just spell it 'nature'." -Unknown "Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to satan. Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you." -Spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima Hospital in Thailand "I was thinking, that if I really ever do go insane, how would I know? I mean, my faculties for deciding if I was insane or not would be by default just as insane too, wouldn't they? That would make them unreliable. The only alternative course of action would be to ask someone else if I was insane. But, what if they were insane as well? Then THEIR faculties aren't dependable. At the same time, I am in doubt to judge them because I might be insane in the first place hence making MY faculties unreliable and.....oh, shit." -Joe Amato "I would rather rely on engineers than diplomats for security." -Newt Gingrich "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'" -Jerry Seinfeld "We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this isn't true." -Unknown "Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read. ... Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives. ... Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping." -Excerpts from the file 'Real Programmers' "That's what he gets for making me cry over a three million dollar contract!" -Trish Currier "Just thought you would like to known that this lab of yours is turning into a boiling cauldron of dog shit." -Jay Heminger "Stop in the name of all that which does not suck!" -Butthead "I believe Peter is having a heavy flow day." -Joe Amato "I am the Alien King. I climb the walls. I eat your head." -Tom Russell "And if you were not an ambassador, I would disembowel you right here!" -Lieutenant Worf "'Aloha' also happens to mean 'Shakka, Kamaaina!' and 'Waiter, what's this bit of cheese doing in my mahi-mahi!' and 'Haole man go ma'ke!' and 'Fuck you puka, bra!' and 'Jesus, what the hell is that menehune doing to that poor mongoose?'" -Jesse Zbikowski "Some of the most beautiful women I've known have been men." -Dieter, SNL "This is not about skin color, or nationality, this is about clothing and attitude. You do know how to change clothes, don't you?" -terrylee "Women need a reason to have sex--men just need a place." -Billy Crystal "I am a prince of the Gods. I pledge my alliegance to few of mortal stature. This man I will follow through the gates of Hades." -Thor, Norse God of Thunder, speaking of Captain America "If you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer that he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this." -Dave Barry "It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge." -Enrico Fermi "You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares." -Pete Heltzer "Bishop!! DAMN YOU!!!" -Ripley "Across the clouds I see my shadow fly...out of the corner of my watering eye." -Pink Floyd "Let's say our passband is centered around this point, 107.3 MHz, some really kick-ass rock and roll..." -Professor Richard Vaz "Body shots? I'm not here to lick. I'm here to drink." -Dan Martins "It is good, this roof. I am pleased." -The Tick "These people are crippled." -Noah Vawter "When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows." -Frederick Ryder "Handle it? For 2 billion dollars, I'll handle my grandpa's balls, sir." -Eric Cartman "Hell hath no fury like a guy whose son is being beat with a hockey stick." -Chris Robison "What if he doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me." -Boba Fett "If I want to put tits on my back, it's nobody's business but my own." -Cher "What's up? Up is any direction away from the center of my gravity well." -Joe Amato "You're soooooo selfisch." -Tom Guyette "No, ma'am. Spider-Man is amazing. I'm incredible." -Dr. Robert Bruce Banner "Listen, asshole!" -Rob Wygand "Geordi...I can not stun my cat." -Lt. Commander Data "I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is shut up." -Tom Lehrer "Tick! Evil is afoot!" -Arthur "We all end in the ocean...we all start in the streams...we're all carried along...by the river of dreams." -Billy Joel "How can anyone NOT like Billy Joel?" -Lisa Cigal "He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down." -Unknown "Have you been satisfying yourself lately? The natural way that I taught you, the way without women?" -Derek Sykes "Ideals don't go very well with ketchup." -Steve Siegmund "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives." -Rita Rudner "You know, I'm convinced that there is a club of women here that gets together every week and decides that none of them will go out with us." -Joe Amato "A cult is a religion with no political power." -Tom Wolfe "You can always tell a self-made man...they have no navel." -Josh Brandt "So, now that you're dead, what are you going to do with your life?" -J.D. "What would I do without you?" "Masturbate a lot?" -Joe Amato and DL "Amadeus was a genius, Beethoven was a dog, the Muppet Family Christmas is about a pig and frog..." -Yakko Warner "The failure of Java technology could lead directly to death, personal injury, or severe physical or environmental damage." -found in the Microsoft NT 4.0 Workstation license agreement "We'll see in five years who's making money, and who's sucking dick in the parking lot of the bus depot for pocket change." -Noah Vawter "Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't around, men kick cats." -from AJs 50+ facts about women "Don't mind me. I haven't had my lithium today." -Derek Sykes "Gundy got me wet!!" -Michelle Meister "Other mortals who have glimpsed the eternal void between life and death--some who are known to you as Wonder Man, Doctor Strange, and Jean Grey, among others--have seen the light of truth that I bring. They have joined me in my holy cause. Yet YOU, despite your own death, spiritual odyssey, and rebirth, have not. I would know why." ... "Perhaps because I've always rejected what you offer as nothing more than irrational thinking raised to an unconscionable level. It may be attractive and soothing to believe a single philosophy has all the answers, but that comfort is a delusion. I prefer fact to fantasy, no matter how inviting the fantasy may be." ... "You have no belief in ANYTHING, then. You are a hollow, soulless being who can never achieve transcendence." ... "You're wrong. I believe force equals mass times acceleration--that energy equals mass multiplied by the speed of light squared--and Fermat's last theorem and Godel's proof, to name a few. I believe that scientific method is humanities most powerful tool, and that through the will to knowledge, man can achieve his own transcendence WITHOUT bowing to gods with the manners of spoiled children." -The Goddess and Iron Man "Women, can't live with 'em......pass the beer nuts." -Norm Peterson "You've obviously never flown with a Rydran before." -Mayur Patel "Thank you, Jay. When I die, you may eat my brain...and it will give you power." -Duke Phillips "Both sides (Israelis and Palestinians) still feel this land was given to them by their respective god. But, I've been here for a couple of days now, and if God gave me this...particular spot of land...I'd wonder what I'd done to offend God." -Rob Corddry for the Daily Show "Who's scruffy looking?" -Han Solo "Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel!" "Wrong wheel." "Oh." -Wakko and Yakko Warner "With true intelligence comes total insanity." -Joe Amato "Q: How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?" "A: Dunno, they like to sit around in the dark." -Anonymous "Check here if you are blind." -seen on a W-4 employment form "No, actually, the most attractive quality is a good, broad-spectrum sense of humor, because if you don't like the ha-ha, you'll probably find me really irritating." -Tom Russell "Oh, hello Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me." -Homer Simpson "Bad is good, baby! Down with government!" -The Evil Midnight Bomber what Bombs at Midnight "No, no. This one's pretty tame. It's only a woman sucking on a horse's dick." -Beardo "As I recall, it was more of an incarceration than a relationship." -Mike Beresis "Someday we'll find it...the rainbow connection...the lovers, the dreamers, and me." -Kermit the Frog "Can you call me over when you get it up? I want to see what it looks like." -Karla Reynolds "If women knew, even for a moment, how we truly thought of them, they would never stop slapping us." -Larry Miller "Voltron, Captain Planet, hell even the Constructicons were dumb enough to try battling with the Dinobots on their own without calling on the mighty power of Devastator. It's time for these guys to wake up. Tarkin didn't build the Death Star so he could have TIE fighters do a little jig outside of it. Follow his lead." -Matt of X-Entertainment "Oh, nothing. I'm just cursing Peter under my breath." -Rob Wygand "You're terminated, fucker." -Sarah Conner "They say there's a heaven, for those who will wait...Some say it's better, but I say it ain't...I'd rather laugh with the sinners then cry with the saints...The sinners are much more fun..." -Billy Joel "That's nasty, Wyatt." "That's Chet, Gary." -Gary and Wyatt "Reality is for those of us who can't handle science fiction." -Pete Heltzer "We're all going to die, and there's nothing we can do about it." -Adolf Thatcher, Etherlines "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 781 to Houston. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, so if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. The weather in Houston is 95 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." -A Southwest Airlines Flight Attendant "Have you seen a tall, lanky dufus with a bird face and hair like the bride of Frankenstein?" -Elaine "Have you seen a pretty girl with a big wall of hair, and a face like a frying pan?" -George "I cannot die until I am dead." "How profound." -Rob Wygand and Mike Beresis "And I know the night is fading...and I know the time's gonna fly...and I'm never gonna tell you everything I gotta tell you but I know I gotta give it a try..." -Air Supply "The chess-playing robot is the size of West Virginia and may need to be set up ahead of time." -Professor Richard Vaz "So, are you a Heather?" -J.D. "I must have dairy products!" -Derek Sykes "Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!!" -Unknown "I will...trust myself to the Force, haste 3 times, control pain, and throw my lightsaber at the ninja climbing up the wall." -Rob Wygand "I don't understand why they have this need to gather together to become assholes. They do just fine on their own." -Joe Amato "It's coming through now, Khan." -Admiral James T. Kirk "Tell him about the Twinkie." -Winston Zeddemore "'Be brave'. That's what he said as he saved my life and changed it, forever. His name was Simon Williams, but the world knew him as Wonder Man. I knew him as much more. My name is Cindy and I loved him." -Cindy Knutz "Sure, dying is bad. But dying with your head in the toilet is a LOT worse." -Derek Sykes "If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?" -Dennis Miller "All the non-conformists are doing it!" -Josh Brandt "Ahh...Venice." -Dr. Henry 'Indiana' Jones, Jr. "I'm telling you, there's nothing bad in dirt." "Then why don't you eat some?" "I'm not gonna eat some!" "Well, at least put some in your mouth." "No way." "Well then, there's apparently something wrong with dirt." "No there isn't. It's chemical. There's very low traces of bacteria..." "The point is moot until you eat some." "AARRGGHH!" "Heheheh" -Derek Sykes and Joe Amato "Is this a holdup?" "It's a science experiment." -Unknown train engineer and Dr. Emmet Brown "You're outta shape, Al. I'll kick your ass." -Lisa "You can't avoid Sabertooth!" "Sure I can! Just brush between meals!" -Sabertooth and Spider-Man "Let's dance." -Johnny Cage "No reward is worth this." -Han Solo "The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch." -Michael Friedman "I look so tired, 'cause I don't get much sleep...I've got too many commitments that are too hard to keep...and I try to be rational...I try to be wise...but it all gets blown to pieces when I look in her eyes...she's such a temptation...and nothing can save me...and my only salvation...is tearing myself away...and I know what all of my friends say...there's a danger in wanting too much...she's such a temptation...I should be leaving...but I can't cut it loose...I have my reasons for resistance...but I have no excuse...and I lose my composure...I could use some restraint...I never claimed to be a hero...and I never said I was a saint...she's such a temptation..." -Billy Joel "My .plan is growing like a .plague!" -Joe Amato "Gunner to pilot, gunner to pilot...the missle is in the tube." -Mayur Patel "Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball." -SNL "In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out.'" -Steven Wright "Do not use while sleeping." -found in a hair dryer manual "God is dead." -Nietzsche "Nietzsche is dead." -God "Nietzsche is God." -the dead "What three words best describe you?" "Um, um..um.." "Yes!" -Craig Kilborne and Stephanie Seymour "The total amount of intelligent conversation you have ever uttered would hardly occupy the duration of a brief fart." -tracker "Man, mouseballs can get really dirty." -Joe Amato "Nuns.....no sense of humor." -Kurgen "You seem a decent fellow...I hate to kill you." "You seem a decent fellow...I hate to die." -Inigo Motoya and Westley "Word Problem: God can read 3/4 of your thoughts. The CIA can control 2/3 or your brain. Subliminal advertising is 75% effective. How much self-control do you have? Answer: (1-3/4)*(1-2/3)*(1-3/4) = 1/48 ~= 2%" -Noah Vawter "But I'm a Russian sub commander with a Scottish crew, so I fit in." -Tom Guyette "I was going to make strudel, but you're USING the PAN!" -Tom Servo "Most of all, I learned life's lessons cost more than a broken test tube." -Peter Parker "If I look like I give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression." -Julie Lim "No blah blah blah!" -Captain James T. Kirk "If you don't want to be called a piece of shit, don't be shitty." -Josh Brandt "I tell you, it's just not worth it." "What, going to class?" "No, just being conscious in general." -Joe Amato and Derek Sykes "My greatest flaw...I surround myself with idiots." -Dr. Victor Von Doom "I'm not Zeus, I'm the Hamburgler!" -Derek Sykes "Perhaps he was dictating." -Sir Gallahad the Pure "Warp 9, any heading...Engage!" -Captain Jean-Luc Picard "If you should experience pain while using your computer, please consult a qualified health professional." -found in a Microsoft Mouse users guide "But above all else, remember: No matter how pretty, cute or atractive she is, somebody, somewhere is sick of her shit." -Ben Haupt "What are you doing? Would you stop touching yourself...waitaminute, what am I saying?!!" -Derek Sykes "DO something!!" -Joel Robinson "Heh Heh Heh...I don't think so." -Rayden "Owww....you make my head hurt. I think I need therapy." -Tina Tassio "I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky." -Lane Meyer "I will...haste twice and cut him in half." "Ok, he will haste three times and take a step back out of your reach." "Damn." -Rob Wygand and Joe Amato "Not bad...for a human." -Bishop "To know that one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." -Ralph Waldo Emerson "You mean this was all an elaborate ploy by the captain to get himself a piece of ass!?" -Mike Romatelli "I am a Card Lord who is slowly falling from grace." -Mayur Patel "The only disadvantage of having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest." -Joe Amato "Now we dance!" -Derek Sykes "Well, we could build this giant wooden badger..." -Sir Bedivere "If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done?" -George Carlin "Wheras a woman waits for that one man to fulfill her every want and need, a man waits for every woman to satisfy his one want and need" -Unknown "What, do we become assholes or something?" -Marty McFly "Learn you must the ways of the Force, Luke. The Force cannot be seen nor heard, nor can it be tasted or felt. It must be smoked." -Not Yoda "Is it just me, or does it really seem like you have to fail a sanity test in order to become a woman? Maybe it's a chemical thing." -Joe Amato "WE are GOING to DIE!!" -Dr. Henry 'Indiana' Jones, Jr. "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of turberculosis." -Jack Handy, SNL "Seventeen days? We're not gonna last seventeen hours, man!" -Hudson "It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not all of them are inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination." -Douglas Adams "I've got something to say....it's better to burn out then to fade away!" -Kurgen "I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee!" -Princess Leia Organa "Doh!" -Homer Simpson "Must you?" "I must." -Mike Beresis and Rob Wygand "My only prejudice is against stupidity. Use your mind...think!" -MegaZone "Larry's house of sweat, Larry speaking." -Derek Sykes "Toad me and die." -Mike Beresis Any thoughts or comments mail to vanguard@sidehack.gweep.net (keeper of the growing plan). If anyone can figure out what all these quotes pertain to, I'll be impressed.