Canonical List of Musician Jokes
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1. The guide was leading the hunter through the jungle and thundering native drums were everywhere.
The hunter remarked, "Those drums scare the shit out of me."
The guide replied, "Don't worry about drums."
The party continued on only to hear the drums increase their tempo and volume.
The hunter said, "Those drums are getting louder! Are you sure everything's okay?"
The guide answered, "Don't worry about drums."
After a few more minutes, the drums abruptly stopped. The hunter rejoiced, "Those damned drums have finally stopped!".
The guide said, "Better worry now."
"Why?", asked the hunter.
The guide answered, "Now come Bass solo."
After he entered the pearly gates, he was directed by St. Peter to the local jazz band's rehearsal studio.
When he walked into the studio, the sax player was overjoyed to see that in the sax section were John Coltrane, Cannonball Adderly, and Jerry Mulligan. The rest of the group was made up of equally great players, including the leader of the band, Duke Ellington.
The sax player was so overcome with joy at the prospect of playing with such great musicians he exclaimed to Duke, "What a band! It must be great to conduct a group like this!"
Duke Ellington replied, "Yeah. Well...It's okay, I guess."
The sax player was shocked. He asked, "How can you say that? This band has all of the greatest musicians there ever were! What's wrong?"
Duke Ellington replied, "Well, you see...God's got this girlfriend, and she sings..."
He orders a drink and water for his buddy (the boa).
The blind man says, "Hey, no one drinks water at the bar."
The boa's owner smiles and replies, "My buddy does."
The blind man replies, "I gotta meet you guys."
He reaches over to the other man and touches his face.
He says "Round, Beard, & Brows - you're a 30 year old Irish man".
Next, he reaches over the the boa and touches it's face.
He says, "Slimey, Scaley, & Cold. Oh! You're the club owner".
The cheif of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down."
The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
The violinist stepped forward and addressed St. Peter, saying "Um...Hi, I guess I'm ready to go in."
St. Peter responded, "Okay. But first, you have to pass the test."
"What's the test?", asked the violinist.
"How do you spell God?", St. Peter asked.
"G-O-D," responded the violinist, and she walked on through to Heaven.
Next, the cellist stepped forward and asked St. Peter, "How about me?"
Once again, St. Peter asked, "How do you spell God?"
"G-O-D," answered the cellist, and he passed through.
Finally, the violist stepped forward and confidently said, "Hey, St. Pete! G-O-D. That sure was easy."
He began to step forward when his way was blocked by two seraphim.
He turned to St. Peter and demanded, "What's the problem?"
St. Peter answered, "Don't be so hasty. How do you spell chrysanthemum?"
There, he meets an angel that is reading a large book with the musician's name on the cover.
The angel looks up at the newly arrived spirit and says, "Hi, we've been expecting you."
"Where am I?", asks the musician.
The angel answers, "In Purgatory. I've been reading the book of your life, and it turns out that your good deeds are evenly balanced by your bad deeds."
"So, what's next?"
"We've decided to let you pick where you are going...Heaven or Hell. And, to help you make up your mind, we're going to give you a glimpse of each."
So saying, the angel motions the musician over to a curtain labeled "Heaven".
The angel parts the curtain, and before them is a bucolic scene of eternal spring with angelic choirs singing praises to God.
The musician surveys the scene, and says, "Well, I could hang with that. But...what's Hell look like?"
In response, the angel motions the musician over to a curtain labeled "Hell".
Parting the curtain reveals a smoke filled room with well dressed people happily talking and dancing, while a quartet is playing a rather good version of "Have You Met Miss Jones?".
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the musician, "I've got nothing against Heaven, but Hell looks like a place that I could really dig."
"No problem," answers the angel.
With that, it pulls an unseen lever and the musician falls through a trap door. The musician lands with a large splash in a cauldron of molten blood. There are screams of eternal agony in the distance. A horribly ugly demon begins poking the musician in the side with a large trident.
"What the Hell is this!", cries the musician. "I've been tricked!"
The demon answers, "Yeah, I know. But, that thing above sure is a hell of a demo!"
The conductor askes the violist, "What's wrong?"
The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs."
The conductor replies, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?"
To which the violist replies, "He won't tell me which one!!"
A1: Eleven. One to do it, and ten to be on the guest list.
A2: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A: Eleven. One to do it, and ten to watch him and say, "I can do that faster."
P.S.: But, there is always one who will ask, "Would Stevie Vai do it that way?"
Glossary of Musical Terms:
ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes
AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle
BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.
CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't
CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola"
CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes
CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs
CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa
CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong - or
CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster
CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.
DUCTIA: A lot of mallards
EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn
ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec
GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums
HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett
INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note.
There are three kinds:
Major Interval: A long time
Minor Interval: A few bars
Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again
INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages
ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the other half
MINNESINGER: A boy soprano
MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as faking
NEUMS: Renaissance midgets
NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets
ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings"
PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education
ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts
TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge
LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns
SANCTA: Clausula's husband
LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale
DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys
LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows
VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai
CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister
MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded
ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one
PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire
DUCTIA: Vire's organum
MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line
BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short
TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all
TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early
LONGA: The time between visits with Vire
PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai
CROTCHET: An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used
DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet
RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet
SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet
ISORHYTHM: The individual process of releif when Vire is out of town
ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, cause by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper
HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum
QUAVER: Beginning viol class
RACKETT: Capped reeds class
RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi
SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church
TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece
TROPE: A malevolent Neum
TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts
STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ
AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer
METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city
ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer
RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had
ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras